Killing me slowly

We can fight many things, diseases, crimes but there is one thing humanity have not yet figured out how to change, mentality. 

I know I have no right to complain considering the fact of how lucky I've been and how fortunate I am to be breathing right now, but I just can't help feeling a little darkness at the corner of my heart waiting to be found. Face it, we can't all be perfect. Don't worry, I just found a solution to all my problems. I just need a good cry.

Since I started my second semester, I've felt really alone. I've lost my bestfriend and the only one who understands how my mind works, Fara. And since we're in two different classes, our schedules are not the same. We only have a short amount of time to be with each other. Sometimes she'd go to lunch early and I'd go late.

I'm really one of those people who have like a gazillion emotions but don't know how and who to express them to. Dying bit by bit inside but still strong enough to make others laugh. If you knew me in real life, I could light up the crowd and make people laugh and it's shitty to laugh while inside you're slowly fading. 2012 might not be that good for me. Just hoping someone would save me. Save me from myself. I want to find someone that I would actually miss once they're gone. I want adventure. I want to live.

I'm really not a bad person. I know I'm not. I just a little rough around the edges. I'm the type who have a lot of friends, but not anyone close, close enough to know my past and my heart. That what makes me lonely. Sometimes, I feel like the whole world is looking down on me and judging every move I make. Which is preposterous considering the fact that I don't know everybody in the whole world.

I want to be free. Free from myself. Free from society. Free from responsibilities. Free from the world. I want to get lost in a world of tranquility. I want to live every day without having fear holding me back. Maybe I lack self confidence and motivation. Or maybe I'm just meant to be dead

2012

Happy New Years and my long overdue Selamat Menyambut Maal Hijrah.

How was your 2011? Any regrets? Anything you wish you would've done different?

Semester two just started and our final semester one examinations results came out. I messed up big time, and I don't know what to do. I've started planning my daily routines for this whole year. 

So classes starts tomorrow and I really don't know how I'm going to survive in Eyre. I cant even. Omg. I know I'm making a big fuss about this but I don't know any of the guys and my heart is palpitating to the beat of a dubstep. Lols, wut? I need to change. Badly.

I want that little shop just around the corner in London. Selling candies or perhaps a little coffee shop. I want the kind of love where we can act like bestfriends and lovers. I want tot ravel around the world and take pictures of everything. Not having to follow a tour where there's a time schedule. I want to be free and live.

#2

I'm insane. Well all the brilliant people are.

Here's to the kids who depend on music to escape reality. Here's to the kids who choose music rather than popularity. Here's to the kids who went through like without nothing more than their own soul. Here's to the kids who has been alone their whole. Here's to the kids who is misunderstood and tired of being the blame.

You know what movies dont tell you? Life. They clearly pointed the good things that happen in life. Or maybe perhaps a bad thing that eventually results in a happy ending. They don't tell you how bad things can happen all the time and it doesn't change. It stays bad. The chances of a good thing happening is 30%. How it sucks having to face people who brings you down everyday and makes you feel worthless and useless and not knowing how to escape that. They say 'Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay then it's not the end' Well they lie. If the end refers to being dead yeah then that would be okay. But it would be too late. Don't you think?

The ironic thing is people can tell you they understand you and they want to help you, but how can they help you if they don't know what to help. It's so very easy to give advice when you don't know the shit they've been through. And sometimes people just wanna talk about their problem, they don't need a solution. Everyone has a story to tell but some people choose to not tell. Some people is just trying to find a way in this darkness and maybe some just don't need help. Stop thinking you can fix everyone, you can't. The truth is, people are different and you can't treat the whole humanity.

What if

How does one define success? Does having a family and a  six digit job define the word success? How does one determine the degree of success? Is there a mathematical or physical equation to support the observation? Or is it just another stereotype? I don't wanna be the girl who looks back thinking what could have been instead of  things that have been. I don't wanna be the one who looks back saying, I should've done this! They say life is a canvas and the steps we take forms a painting, a painting which differ from one individual to another. I missed those days where all the decision I had to make, was what colour would the flower be. I'm not ready for life. I'm not ready to make life-changing decisions. I'm not ready to take a leap because I'm scared. I'm scared of making wrong decisions and winding up in a place where I'll be haunted by the 'ifs' of the past. I'm scared of not  coming up to par with anybody's expectation of me. I make bad decisions and by the look of it, i know I'm pretty much useless. But I know, the power to change is in my capable hands, it's just in the matter of my strength of willingness.

"Lost and insecure, you found me
Lying on the floor."

Day 08

A picture of your most treasured item

My family :)

Not only is this just a picture of my treasured item but also the memory that comes with it. The picture was drawn in Paris and also in Monte Carlo Casino, at least i think thats the name . Good times maaan, good times :)

You know what I wanna do, I wanna travel, not with my family, but with my friends or my sisters. People who understands what I like and how I am.

Oh Dorothy, your red sparkly shoes

I still need to work on my editting skills and my lighting skills. What a work.

Day 07

A picture that makes you laugh

I reminds me of Mean Girls and Mean Girls makes me laugh until I pee. Seems legit c:

I've been meaning to show the pictures I've took before this. It's not perfect but I want to improve myself. Not making it an occupation or a hobby, but a passion. I see so many beautiful things around me and for once I want to photograph it and let it not be just a memory. I don't want this to be just a phase. I don't wanna meet this halfway.